Jesus knew from the start that some weren't going to risk themselves with him...(Indeed) after this a lot of his disciples left. They no longer wanted to be associated with him. Then Jesus gave the Twelve their chance: "Do you also want to leave?" Peter replied, "Master, to whom would we go?...We’ve already committed ourselves, confident that you are the Holy One of God." John 6:64
How can I resist my nature,
that lives for oneness with God?
Mechtild of Magdeburg
Real and imagined fears
This is hard, direct stuff. 'They weren't going to risk themselves with him'. The first question I hear echoing inside me is 'Actually don't I personally do risk assessments over my relationship with God?'. How much I give, divulge, open up, go with, turn a cold shoulder, is minutely determined. All the little tricks are half admitted to and half ignored. This is the stuff of imagined and exaggerated fear and also of deepening trust.
I note all of this as true, hoping that it leads to more honest and prayerful interaction. Less pouting, less defensiveness, less childishness would be good. No great drama or judgment just simple attention and gentle acknowledgement: 'Lord, yes that's me, this is where I am, where we are. Help.'.